[00:00:00 –> 00:00:01] What’s up everybody? Father Innocent here.
[00:00:01 –> 00:00:04] And I just wanted to pause and say thank you
[00:00:04 –> 00:00:06] for all who make “Poco a Poco” podcast possible
[00:00:06 –> 00:00:08] through your prayers and your generosity.
[00:00:08 –> 00:00:11] Every episode we share, every person reached,
[00:00:11 –> 00:00:12] it’s because of you.
[00:00:12 –> 00:00:14] If you feel moved to join our mission as a monthly supporter
[00:00:14 –> 00:00:17] or increase your gift, we’d be so grateful.
[00:00:17 –> 00:00:19] Your support helps us lead more souls
[00:00:19 –> 00:00:21] to encounter Christ little by little.
[00:00:21 –> 00:00:23] You can give at spiritjuice.org
[00:00:23 –> 00:00:24] or through the link in the show notes.
[00:00:24 –> 00:00:26] Thank you for being part of our mission.
[00:00:26 –> 00:00:27] God bless you all.
[00:00:29 –> 00:00:31] You’re listening to the “Poco a Poco” Podcast,
[00:00:31 –> 00:00:34] sponsored by Spirit Juice Studios.
[00:00:34 –> 00:00:34] ♪ Poco a Poco ♪
[00:00:34 –> 00:00:37] (singing in Spanish)
[00:00:37 –> 00:00:39] ♪ And you know that’s who we are ♪
[00:00:39 –> 00:00:40] ♪ We make our way ♪
[00:00:40 –> 00:00:43] Hey, I am Father Mark-Mary.
[00:00:43 –> 00:00:44] Hey, brothers and sisters.
[00:00:44 –> 00:00:46] I am Father Innocent.
[00:00:46 –> 00:00:47] I am Father Angelus.
[00:00:47 –> 00:00:50] Still with us, bro. – You are still here with us.
[00:00:50 –> 00:00:52] It’s no problem. – We figured it out.
[00:00:53 –> 00:00:54] Thank God.
[00:00:54 –> 00:00:57] Perseverance, problem solving, patience.
[00:00:57 –> 00:00:58] But we got there.
[00:00:58 –> 00:01:00] I thought you were going to have to retire,
[00:01:00 –> 00:01:01] Ange, seriously.
[00:01:03 –> 00:01:04] I forgot how much I enjoy doing this.
[00:01:04 –> 00:01:05] This is great.
[00:01:05 –> 00:01:08] Good. I’m glad.
[00:01:08 –> 00:01:09] Glad that’s where you’re at.
[00:01:11 –> 00:01:13] We enjoy having you.
[00:01:13 –> 00:01:14] Yes, we do.
[00:01:14 –> 00:01:15] Especially when you drink seltzer.
[00:01:15 –> 00:01:17] I need to go get one myself.
[00:01:17 –> 00:01:18] I just grabbed one downstairs.
[00:01:18 –> 00:01:20] It’s not even a feast day.
[00:01:22 –> 00:01:23] No silence of…
[00:01:23 –> 00:01:25] Name one thing you’re tasting right now.
[00:01:25 –> 00:01:27] Seltzer water.
[00:01:27 –> 00:01:29] Five, four, three, two, one.
[00:01:29 –> 00:01:31] I like what you’re doing there.
[00:01:31 –> 00:01:33] To be concrete, raspberry nectarine
[00:01:33 –> 00:01:34] seltzer water.
[00:01:36 –> 00:01:37] A hint. A hint of it.
[00:01:37 –> 00:01:38] Just a hint.
[00:01:38 –> 00:01:39] I like what you’re doing there.
[00:01:39 –> 00:01:41] So one of the things
[00:01:41 –> 00:01:43] I thought we might do today, if you’re open to it, is-
[00:01:45 –> 00:01:47] How innocent is Father Innocent?
[00:01:47 –> 00:01:48] No, I’m just kidding.
[00:01:48 –> 00:01:49] No.
[00:01:53 –> 00:01:54] But it is about you.
[00:01:54 –> 00:01:58] Is maybe just because, like, you kind of have recent,
[00:01:58 –> 00:01:59] somewhat recently, we talked about Father Angelus
[00:01:59 –> 00:02:00] being Director, etc.
[00:02:00 –> 00:02:02] So you’ve somewhat recently entered
[00:02:02 –> 00:02:05] onto a new kind of assignment, new journey
[00:02:05 –> 00:02:08] that coincides with, you know, silence as well.
[00:02:08 –> 00:02:10] Like, do you want to just maybe share a little bit
[00:02:10 –> 00:02:14] of, like, what you’re doing these days?
[00:02:14 –> 00:02:16] Yeah. Yeah. Then yeah, definitely.
[00:02:16 –> 00:02:21] I’m super humbled and grateful to do that.
[00:02:21 –> 00:02:22] I’m still pretty overwhelmed
[00:02:22 –> 00:02:25] at the opportunity of my new assignment.
[00:02:25 –> 00:02:30] I was asked last year to live at our House of Prayer
[00:02:31 –> 00:02:33] which is in Monticello, New York.
[00:02:33 –> 00:02:35] It’s called St. Francis Retreat.
[00:02:35 –> 00:02:40] It’s 64 acres of just beautiful forest up here
[00:02:41 –> 00:02:43] where about, yeah, since our beginnings,
[00:02:43 –> 00:02:46] not too long, maybe in the early ’90s,
[00:02:46 –> 00:02:49] a friend of Father Benedict had given this piece of land.
[00:02:49 –> 00:02:51] And she really wanted the brothers and sisters
[00:02:51 –> 00:02:53] to adore the Blessed Sacrament.
[00:02:53 –> 00:02:56] This land was given for adoration.
[00:02:56 –> 00:03:01] And so brothers and sisters for the past almost 35, 40 years
[00:03:01 –> 00:03:05] have come to this land up here to get away
[00:03:05 –> 00:03:09] and to pray and to be on hermitage or retreat
[00:03:09 –> 00:03:13] to be with, to be in silence with the Lord.
[00:03:13 –> 00:03:16] And it’s been a deep desire of the community
[00:03:16 –> 00:03:20] for a long time now to assign brothers up here
[00:03:22 –> 00:03:23] to live this mission and to be a part
[00:03:25 –> 00:03:28] and to really provide maybe a place of hospitality
[00:03:28 –> 00:03:31] where brothers and sisters could come do this.
[00:03:31 –> 00:03:33] And we’ve tried in different ways to make that happen,
[00:03:33 –> 00:03:37] but I’m just grateful to be a part of the small team up here
[00:03:37 –> 00:03:39] where Father John was pretty intentional saying,
[00:03:39 –> 00:03:42] “I want you guys to really go do this
[00:03:42 –> 00:03:46] and to go deeper in prayer and the contemplative life
[00:03:46 –> 00:03:49] to bear witness to the one thing necessary.”
[00:03:51 –> 00:03:53] I’m convinced more and more
[00:03:53 –> 00:03:57] that Jesus is worthy to have CFR Friars who,
[00:03:57 –> 00:03:58] who their whole mission is to adore Him
[00:03:58 –> 00:04:00] and the Blessed Sacrament.
[00:04:01 –> 00:04:02] Like, Jesus is worthy of that.
[00:04:02 –> 00:04:03] Is that the…
[00:04:03 –> 00:04:05] Can every brother do that or should do that?
[00:04:05 –> 00:04:08] No. Meaning that, like, we have the fullness
[00:04:08 –> 00:04:10] of our charism lived out
[00:04:10 –> 00:04:12] in such a beautiful way of contemplative prayer
[00:04:12 –> 00:04:15] and brotherhood and service to the poor.
[00:04:15 –> 00:04:17] But it’s just been beautiful
[00:04:19 –> 00:04:23] to know that Jesus desires there to be a place like this
[00:04:23 –> 00:04:24] where there would be no other mission
[00:04:24 –> 00:04:29] besides adoring Him in the Blessed Sacrament and penance
[00:04:29 –> 00:04:31] and offering our lives for the brothers
[00:04:31 –> 00:04:33] and availability for,
[00:04:33 –> 00:04:35] to bless them in their own contemplative lives.
[00:04:35 –> 00:04:37] So I’ve been up here since December
[00:04:37 –> 00:04:39] and I just am overwhelmed every single day.
[00:04:39 –> 00:04:41] I can’t believe I get to do this.
[00:04:41 –> 00:04:42] I, like, feel like a little kid.
[00:04:42 –> 00:04:44] I don’t want to waste a moment.
[00:04:45 –> 00:04:49] And I just, I feel like I’m just so humbled
[00:04:50 –> 00:04:54] to live this, like, call to deeper prayer and deeper silence
[00:04:54 –> 00:04:57] and deeper penance for the sake of the community.
[00:04:57 –> 00:05:01] And also to be some sort of a spiritual father
[00:05:01 –> 00:05:04] and have, like, some sort of contemplative hospitality
[00:05:04 –> 00:05:07] as brothers and sisters come who are just tired
[00:05:07 –> 00:05:10] and just want to be, to pray with and to be with the Lord.
[00:05:10 –> 00:05:15] And so I just feel like I say this with every assignment,
[00:05:15 –> 00:05:17] but I feel like I have the best life ever.
[00:05:19 –> 00:05:22] And I’m just super humbled to live in this call,
[00:05:22 –> 00:05:23] because it is a call.
[00:05:23 –> 00:05:25] I feel like it’s a mission,
[00:05:25 –> 00:05:27] but it’s also intense and in demanding
[00:05:27 –> 00:05:30] as Jesus just wants us to go deeper in prayer.
[00:05:30 –> 00:05:33] So that’s what I got for it.
[00:05:33 –> 00:05:35] Do you have a…
[00:05:35 –> 00:05:37] So you have a little bit, like,
[00:05:39 –> 00:05:40] do you have a lot more space
[00:05:40 –> 00:05:45] for, like, the contemplative life or just a little bit more?
[00:05:45 –> 00:05:48] Like, maybe a way to phrase that question is, like,
[00:05:48 –> 00:05:51] because, you know, normally, you know, normally we have,
[00:05:51 –> 00:05:53] you know, our, if you will, we really come together,
[00:05:53 –> 00:05:55] if you will, for prayer five times, as we can call it that.
[00:05:55 –> 00:05:58] Like, office at 6:00, then we have an hour of meditation,
[00:05:58 –> 00:06:00] morning prayer 7:30, followed by mass,
[00:06:00 –> 00:06:03] midday prayer, evening prayer and holy hour in the evening
[00:06:03 –> 00:06:05] and then night prayer and rosary, you know,
[00:06:05 –> 00:06:06] at the end of the day.
[00:06:06 –> 00:06:09] And those are generally our times of prayer.
[00:06:09 –> 00:06:10] They add up to whatever,
[00:06:10 –> 00:06:12] we can call it, like, four hours, something like that,
[00:06:12 –> 00:06:13] maybe a little bit more.
[00:06:13 –> 00:06:16] But, like, so do you have, like, some added prayer periods?
[00:06:16 –> 00:06:19] Do you have added time of hermitage or solitude?
[00:06:19 –> 00:06:20] Yeah. Yeah. Great question.
[00:06:20 –> 00:06:25] So I think just to name as I answer that question,
[00:06:25 –> 00:06:29] I feel like the three brothers up here living this mission,
[00:06:29 –> 00:06:30] it’s exactly that.
[00:06:31 –> 00:06:35] I have this pretty profound sense that my life up here
[00:06:35 –> 00:06:37] is not for me, it’s a mission for the brothers.
[00:06:37 –> 00:06:39] And so as much as I love praying,
[00:06:39 –> 00:06:43] I mean, I love silence and praying and adoration,
[00:06:43 –> 00:06:45] I have a sense that it’s not for me, right?
[00:06:45 –> 00:06:49] So every single part of my day is offered for the brothers.
[00:06:49 –> 00:06:52] And I can be abstract unless you want to press in,
[00:06:52 –> 00:06:54] but I get up pretty early.
[00:06:54 –> 00:06:55] I get up pretty early
[00:06:57 –> 00:07:01] and I, like, press into time of adoration time in the chapel
[00:07:01 –> 00:07:04] with the Lord for the sake of the brothers.
[00:07:04 –> 00:07:05] And so there’s a pretty big chunk of time
[00:07:05 –> 00:07:07] of adoration in the morning.
[00:07:08 –> 00:07:12] And then we do all the offices similarly,
[00:07:12 –> 00:07:14] like, to all the other friars,
[00:07:14 –> 00:07:18] but we push the silence back to 11:00 AM.
[00:07:18 –> 00:07:22] And so throughout the morning, it is prayer, intercession.
[00:07:22 –> 00:07:24] It’s, like, that’s the fasting
[00:07:24 –> 00:07:26] and penance is that we press in
[00:07:27 –> 00:07:30] from early morning prayer to 11:00 AM.
[00:07:31 –> 00:07:35] And it’s silence, like, and the brothers have,
[00:07:35 –> 00:07:37] those hours are dedicated
[00:07:37 –> 00:07:40] to intercessory prayer for the brothers.
[00:07:40 –> 00:07:43] And so then, at 11:00, we come together for midday prayer.
[00:07:43 –> 00:07:46] And then we are kind of sent off to our mission,
[00:07:46 –> 00:07:48] which is running the retreat house.
[00:07:49 –> 00:07:51] I have community responsibility,
[00:07:51 –> 00:07:53] so I’m available for that in the afternoon.
[00:07:54 –> 00:07:56] But then we come back together for evening.
[00:07:56 –> 00:07:59] Holy hours are said throughout the day as well
[00:07:59 –> 00:08:00] for brothers in silent prayer.
[00:08:00 –> 00:08:03] And then we come back together at 5:00 PM
[00:08:03 –> 00:08:05] for evening prayer, followed by dinner,
[00:08:05 –> 00:08:08] and then we go back into silence.
[00:08:08 –> 00:08:13] And so the evenings are also very quiet for prayer
[00:08:13 –> 00:08:17] but also going to bed early because we get up early, right?
[00:08:18 –> 00:08:20] So our whole life is just different
[00:08:20 –> 00:08:23] because we don’t have an apostolate,
[00:08:23 –> 00:08:26] an intense apostolate for the poor,
[00:08:26 –> 00:08:29] or we’re not traveling a lot.
[00:08:29 –> 00:08:32] But we’re really, like, kind of trying to be present
[00:08:32 –> 00:08:34] and give ourselves to…
[00:08:34 –> 00:08:35] And if I could just name, I forgot to say,
[00:08:35 –> 00:08:38] but the spiritual direction,
[00:08:38 –> 00:08:39] a leading retreat for the brothers and sisters
[00:08:39 –> 00:08:42] would be in the afternoon, in that afternoon chunk.
[00:08:42 –> 00:08:45] So that’s a joy to be available for brothers and sisters.
[00:08:45 –> 00:08:48] They come down to the carcherie, which is our house,
[00:08:48 –> 00:08:50] and we lead it, lead them on retreats,
[00:08:50 –> 00:08:52] do spiritual direction, hear confessions.
[00:08:52 –> 00:08:54] And that’s our main apostolic work,
[00:08:54 –> 00:08:56] which takes place in the afternoon,
[00:08:57 –> 00:08:59] kind of in between the silences.
[00:08:59 –> 00:09:00] Great. I appreciate that.
[00:09:00 –> 00:09:03] And you know, I think you continue
[00:09:03 –> 00:09:05] to be on our general council, which means, you know,
[00:09:05 –> 00:09:09] there’s periods, days where you have, you know,
[00:09:09 –> 00:09:10] meetings all day, you know? – Yeah.
[00:09:10 –> 00:09:11] So there is still, like,
[00:09:11 –> 00:09:15] a certain degree of availability in that, you know.
[00:09:17 –> 00:09:18] And connection, for sure.
[00:09:18 –> 00:09:19] Certainly there’s commitments,
[00:09:19 –> 00:09:20] responsibilities.
[00:09:20 –> 00:09:23] Good. Because I was trying to phrase the question
[00:09:23 –> 00:09:26] without being like, without having to say, like,
[00:09:26 –> 00:09:27] what time do you wake up, you know?
[00:09:27 –> 00:09:30] So I think we were able to get there.
[00:09:30 –> 00:09:32] But I just wanted to kind of share that a little bit
[00:09:32 –> 00:09:34] as, you know, I think it’s about,
[00:09:34 –> 00:09:36] been a little bit less than a year.
[00:09:36 –> 00:09:38] Yeah. Yeah. – A little less than a year
[00:09:38 –> 00:09:40] that Father Innocent’s been on this new mission.
[00:09:40 –> 00:09:43] And also a little bit of where, like, he’s, you know,
[00:09:43 –> 00:09:45] he’s our guidance, guide here
[00:09:45 –> 00:09:47] on, like, the contemplative life and silence,
[00:09:47 –> 00:09:50] but also he’s kind of living it at a pretty high degree.
[00:09:53 –> 00:09:55] And one other thing I wanted to say,
[00:09:55 –> 00:09:59] I looked up our Father Basil or Basil Nortz.
[00:09:59 –> 00:10:04] He is a member of the Canons Regular of the Holy Cross.
[00:10:04 –> 00:10:06] Wow. Okay. Okay – And so the…
[00:10:07 –> 00:10:11] There’s the book with Father Boniface and Basil,
[00:10:11 –> 00:10:13] I think on prayer, I forgot what the name of it is,
[00:10:13 –> 00:10:15] was a different Basil.
[00:10:15 –> 00:10:17] I think that might be, it’s either Dominican
[00:10:17 –> 00:10:19] or Benedictine.
[00:10:19 –> 00:10:21] Nice. – But I don’t know anything
[00:10:21 –> 00:10:24] about the Order of Canons Regular of the Holy Cross.
[00:10:27 –> 00:10:29] But anyway, cool.
[00:10:29 –> 00:10:30] I’ll learn more.
[00:10:30 –> 00:10:35] So we are today continuing our journey, our silence,
[00:10:36 –> 00:10:39] our journey with silence with a podcast.
[00:10:39 –> 00:10:40] Why don’t we just take a moment of silence?
[00:10:40 –> 00:10:42] I’m just kidding.
[00:10:42 –> 00:10:43] Hey, I was just going to say, you gotta practice.
[00:10:43 –> 00:10:45] If you want to, if you’re serious about silence,
[00:10:45 –> 00:10:48] you gotta practice, so just to our listeners, it’s real.
[00:10:48 –> 00:10:51] You’ve actually gotta do it. You’ve gotta do it.
[00:10:51 –> 00:10:52] And so,
[00:10:53 –> 00:10:55] and there might be some overlap and that’s okay.
[00:10:55 –> 00:10:58] Last week we did the imaginations, then checked in.
[00:11:00 –> 00:11:03] Imagination at the service of communion
[00:11:03 –> 00:11:08] and being weary of rumination, daydreaming,
[00:11:08 –> 00:11:12] fantasies, things like that.
[00:11:12 –> 00:11:15] And the quote was, “We must set a guard over our fantasies,
[00:11:15 –> 00:11:19] lest our minds become marketplaces of illusions
[00:11:19 –> 00:11:21] rather than temples of the Holy Spirit.”
[00:11:21 –> 00:11:23] And now we’re going to get into silence of memory.
[00:11:26 –> 00:11:28] So talk about, what are we talking about?
[00:11:28 –> 00:11:29] Yeah. And if I could just say, brothers,
[00:11:29 –> 00:11:34] I do want to, I realize that we use some language
[00:11:35 –> 00:11:37] around, like, philosophy of the human person.
[00:11:37 –> 00:11:42] And so you get into senses and faculties
[00:11:42 –> 00:11:44] and memory and things like that.
[00:11:44 –> 00:11:47] I want to back away from that because when we talk about,
[00:11:47 –> 00:11:50] when we talk about memories, the silence of the memories,
[00:11:50 –> 00:11:52] I really just want to keep it really simple.
[00:11:52 –> 00:11:54] What we want to talk about here
[00:11:54 –> 00:11:59] is our experience of how we look back and at our memories.
[00:12:01 –> 00:12:05] And Father Nord says that our memories, the past,
[00:12:05 –> 00:12:07] whether joys or sorrows,
[00:12:08 –> 00:12:12] and again, remember, we have memories of experiences
[00:12:12 –> 00:12:14] that are kind of in our minds, right?
[00:12:14 –> 00:12:17] And he says that there can be two traps.
[00:12:17 –> 00:12:18] So you can look back.
[00:12:18 –> 00:12:21] Maybe with Father Angelus, what he said before,
[00:12:21 –> 00:12:24] when the present moment is too difficult
[00:12:24 –> 00:12:28] or we’re kind of grasping for some sort of experience or joy
[00:12:28 –> 00:12:33] or we just want to taste some sort of fulfillment,
[00:12:33 –> 00:12:34] we can look back
[00:12:34 –> 00:12:36] and we can encounter our memories in a couple of ways.
[00:12:36 –> 00:12:39] We can get trapped in, like, nostalgia,
[00:12:39 –> 00:12:44] like, oh, when memories were good, or good experiences
[00:12:45 –> 00:12:47] and wish that, like, we had, like, that.
[00:12:47 –> 00:12:49] We wish we had those experiences now.
[00:12:49 –> 00:12:52] So, like, getting trapped in nostalgia.
[00:12:54 –> 00:12:59] Or we can get, it can have this negative movement,
[00:13:00 –> 00:13:04] which is our memories can be potent with trauma
[00:13:04 –> 00:13:09] and they can suck us back into old wounds, right?
[00:13:09 –> 00:13:11] And so this can happen a lot, because remember,
[00:13:11 –> 00:13:14] when trauma happens, it kind of wreaks havoc
[00:13:14 –> 00:13:18] on the experience of our thoughts and emotions
[00:13:18 –> 00:13:20] and our memories, right?
[00:13:20 –> 00:13:23] So we could have been hurt as a little kid
[00:13:23 –> 00:13:26] or we could have been bullied or any type of trauma.
[00:13:26 –> 00:13:31] And then, if those are unhealed, then we can get,
[00:13:33 –> 00:13:35] those can hijack us in the present moment
[00:13:35 –> 00:13:37] and we can get stuck in past memories.
[00:13:37 –> 00:13:42] And therefore, it can create a lot of noise, if you will,
[00:13:43 –> 00:13:44] in the present moment.
[00:13:44 –> 00:13:48] Father Angelus, I’m going to bounce pass it over to you
[00:13:48 –> 00:13:50] because what I think we’re talking about,
[00:13:50 –> 00:13:52] what does it mean to heal our memories?
[00:13:52 –> 00:13:55] And so they have the right context
[00:13:55 –> 00:13:57] and they are, like, silenced
[00:13:58 –> 00:14:03] or put under kind of the gift of healing and discipline.
[00:14:03 –> 00:14:06] I think the, I don’t know,
[00:14:06 –> 00:14:07] money word, if you will,
[00:14:07 –> 00:14:08] no pun intended, for Franciscan life,
[00:14:08 –> 00:14:11] is going to be if our memories can be integrated,
[00:14:11 –> 00:14:13] then they can be at peace, right?
[00:14:13 –> 00:14:16] And if they’re integrated from the past into our experience
[00:14:16 –> 00:14:18] of healing and redemption in the Paschal Mystery,
[00:14:19 –> 00:14:22] in the midst of that, our memories, our imaginations,
[00:14:22 –> 00:14:27] our bodies, our nervous systems experiencing a recalibrating
[00:14:27 –> 00:14:31] and a reordering to kind of a peace in the present, right?
[00:14:31 –> 00:14:34] And so if those things are unintegrated,
[00:14:34 –> 00:14:36] then they still have a lot of power and authority
[00:14:36 –> 00:14:37] based on our past experiences, right?
[00:14:37 –> 00:14:39] And this is when you talk about trauma.
[00:14:39 –> 00:14:42] Two little boys can experience the same thing.
[00:14:42 –> 00:14:45] And one who has a good family connection,
[00:14:45 –> 00:14:47] love, attention in the midst of what he might experience,
[00:14:47 –> 00:14:49] say, bullying at school,
[00:14:50 –> 00:14:53] it doesn’t take root in his memory, imagination.
[00:14:53 –> 00:14:54] It doesn’t take root in his nervous system or his body
[00:14:54 –> 00:14:59] like it would to a boy who is lone, insecure,
[00:14:59 –> 00:15:01] doesn’t have attention from his parents.
[00:15:01 –> 00:15:04] And then he gets bullied and then it’s stored in his body
[00:15:04 –> 00:15:05] because there’s no way and no help
[00:15:05 –> 00:15:06] to make sense of it, right?
[00:15:06 –> 00:15:09] And so oftentimes we’ll say trauma is, you know,
[00:15:09 –> 00:15:11] the reality of difficult things happening,
[00:15:11 –> 00:15:16] but having no help in how to get through it, right?
[00:15:16 –> 00:15:17] And so being alone in the…
[00:15:17 –> 00:15:19] Loneliness is a part of trauma.
[00:15:19 –> 00:15:20] And then it’s stored in my body, right?
[00:15:20 –> 00:15:25] And so the reality is, is that if I want to live
[00:15:26 –> 00:15:30] the grace of silence at the service of communion,
[00:15:30 –> 00:15:32] if I want to experience deep communion with myself,
[00:15:32 –> 00:15:36] God, and other people in the present, we really do…
[00:15:36 –> 00:15:39] And again, it’s funny, we really do have to spend time
[00:15:39 –> 00:15:40] bringing redemption to our memories
[00:15:40 –> 00:15:43] and integrating the memories into our lives.
[00:15:43 –> 00:15:46] Now, I’m not talking about an over, you know,
[00:15:46 –> 00:15:48] because sometimes I think the criticism of healing work
[00:15:48 –> 00:15:50] and living in the world of formation is funny
[00:15:50 –> 00:15:53] because, like, do we focus too much on healing
[00:15:53 –> 00:15:54] and do we talk about it too much?
[00:15:54 –> 00:15:57] And it’s like, healing, healing, healing, healing.
[00:15:57 –> 00:15:58] And you’re like, “Man, I wish we didn’t have
[00:15:58 –> 00:16:00] to talk about healing, right?”
[00:16:00 –> 00:16:03] But the reality is, is that if we can do the good work
[00:16:03 –> 00:16:06] of healing and redemption, if we can do the good work
[00:16:06 –> 00:16:10] of letting Jesus come to these places in my story
[00:16:10 –> 00:16:11] that still threaten me or harm me
[00:16:11 –> 00:16:14] or still disconnect me from the truth,
[00:16:14 –> 00:16:16] if I can do that work, then I can be much more free
[00:16:16 –> 00:16:19] to live in the present, right?
[00:16:19 –> 00:16:22] And so, stuck is always a good word.
[00:16:22 –> 00:16:24] Where do places I get stuck?
[00:16:24 –> 00:16:26] Where are places that keep coming back up?
[00:16:26 –> 00:16:29] What memories, what narratives,
[00:16:29 –> 00:16:31] what images in my mind from the past
[00:16:31 –> 00:16:34] keep playing a part in my present day reality?
[00:16:34 –> 00:16:35] It’s one of those things,
[00:16:35 –> 00:16:37] you don’t have to tell your story from start to finish,
[00:16:37 –> 00:16:38] you’ve just got to pay attention
[00:16:38 –> 00:16:40] to what’s happening in my present life
[00:16:40 –> 00:16:42] and then what keeps showing up.
[00:16:42 –> 00:16:44] “Oh man, that memory, that experience,
[00:16:44 –> 00:16:46] that narrative I picked up from when my dad called me this,
[00:16:46 –> 00:16:49] or that experience of insecurity on the football team.
[00:16:49 –> 00:16:51] And oh man, I still carry that around
[00:16:51 –> 00:16:54] and it very much affects me in the present day.”
[00:16:54 –> 00:16:57] And so yeah, it just is a really beautiful conversation.
[00:16:57 –> 00:16:59] But how do we play the balance
[00:16:59 –> 00:17:04] of Jesus is present in reality, in the moment?
[00:17:05 –> 00:17:06] And so what does He mean?
[00:17:06 –> 00:17:07] What does He want to do to go back
[00:17:07 –> 00:17:10] and so He can bring me and integrate these spaces
[00:17:10 –> 00:17:12] so I can live with Him?
[00:17:12 –> 00:17:13] Deacon Keating has a great line.
[00:17:13 –> 00:17:17] He talks about the reality of we don’t just remember things
[00:17:17 –> 00:17:18] for the sake of remembering things,
[00:17:18 –> 00:17:20] but we remember what God did
[00:17:20 –> 00:17:22] or we remember an experience we had in the past,
[00:17:22 –> 00:17:24] this is, like, in a good way,
[00:17:24 –> 00:17:28] so we can re-experience the grace in the present, right?
[00:17:28 –> 00:17:32] You know, and so that this is why this is so important,
[00:17:32 –> 00:17:34] because we can re-remember things that aren’t good
[00:17:34 –> 00:17:37] and we get disconnected, or the memory can be a gift.
[00:17:37 –> 00:17:39] The memory can be a gift that serves, like,
[00:17:39 –> 00:17:41] “Man, that was a beautiful experience of the past
[00:17:41 –> 00:17:44] and the Lord wants to give me that again as I remember it
[00:17:44 –> 00:17:46] and let the grace come to the present.”
[00:17:47 –> 00:17:49] I think it’s very thoughtful on His part as well.
[00:17:53 –> 00:17:56] Let’s sort of like, what’s that workshop?
[00:17:56 –> 00:17:57] Like, a specific example.
[00:17:57 –> 00:18:00] And this isn’t maybe the most intense example,
[00:18:00 –> 00:18:02] but it’s, I think it’s accessible.
[00:18:02 –> 00:18:05] And it’s a little bit of this idea of he talks about the
[00:18:07 –> 00:18:11] don’t get trapped in the nostalgic, idealized past moments.
[00:18:11 –> 00:18:13] And so this isn’t necessarily like a trauma,
[00:18:13 –> 00:18:17] but this is a type of what we’re talking about here of,
[00:18:18 –> 00:18:20] and I’ll use the prayer example.
[00:18:20 –> 00:18:22] I think you can do it in relationships as well.
[00:18:22 –> 00:18:24] Basically, you know, the idea of like, you know,
[00:18:24 –> 00:18:27] a couple’s been married for a long time and then they like,
[00:18:27 –> 00:18:28] they remember back when they were dating in college
[00:18:28 –> 00:18:30] and how romantic it was.
[00:18:30 –> 00:18:32] And then it makes them feel bad about the current situation
[00:18:32 –> 00:18:33] or whatever it is.
[00:18:33 –> 00:18:35] But like, you know, a lot of us do.
[00:18:35 –> 00:18:38] Like, I’ve worked quite a bit with, like, young missionaries
[00:18:38 –> 00:18:40] through a couple of different groups.
[00:18:40 –> 00:18:42] But one of the, like, something that comes up a lot
[00:18:42 –> 00:18:46] is when they first begin, they’ve just graduated college.
[00:18:46 –> 00:18:48] They’re, you know, whatever,
[00:18:48 –> 00:18:50] a year or two into their, like, really deep conversion
[00:18:51 –> 00:18:53] and they’re like a first year missionary.
[00:18:53 –> 00:18:57] And like, everything’s new and everything’s exciting
[00:18:57 –> 00:19:01] and, like, they have, like, a certain passion for mission,
[00:19:01 –> 00:19:03] but also, they have, like, a certain,
[00:19:03 –> 00:19:08] really kind of like, a beautiful, consoling,
[00:19:08 –> 00:19:12] even romantic experience of their interior life
[00:19:12 –> 00:19:13] and of their prayer.
[00:19:13 –> 00:19:15] And then maybe, you know, they continue to be missionaries
[00:19:15 –> 00:19:16] for two, three, four years.
[00:19:16 –> 00:19:18] And that prayer, like,
[00:19:19 –> 00:19:21] instead of getting super excited about going to holy hour,
[00:19:21 –> 00:19:25] it’s like, dang, it feels like a task or a burden.
[00:19:25 –> 00:19:28] Or maybe they’ve left staff and now they’re married
[00:19:28 –> 00:19:29] and they remember when they used to be able
[00:19:29 –> 00:19:30] to pray holy hour every day
[00:19:30 –> 00:19:33] and now it’s hard for them to pray 10 minutes a day.
[00:19:33 –> 00:19:36] And they kind of can go back,
[00:19:36 –> 00:19:39] remember that, like, romantic, beautiful time,
[00:19:39 –> 00:19:42] and then they kind of get discouraged
[00:19:42 –> 00:19:44] in their current experience.
[00:19:44 –> 00:19:46] Like, so what, how does this kind of fit into
[00:19:46 –> 00:19:49] sort of that type of experience?
[00:19:49 –> 00:19:51] Bro, I think that’s, like, an incredible,
[00:19:51 –> 00:19:53] potent example.
[00:19:53 –> 00:19:56] Because I think what happens is that
[00:19:57 –> 00:19:59] you use, like, the D word, discouraged.
[00:19:59 –> 00:20:02] And I want to use another one, disconnected.
[00:20:02 –> 00:20:07] Because if we give in to the movements there of getting,
[00:20:07 –> 00:20:12] like, going back to past memories where prayer was easier
[00:20:12 –> 00:20:16] or I felt more connected or intimacy was more real,
[00:20:16 –> 00:20:17] or I go back to the nostalgia
[00:20:17 –> 00:20:20] of, like, being a young missionary and really being on fire
[00:20:20 –> 00:20:22] and really doing something, now I’m, like,
[00:20:22 –> 00:20:25] have a desk job and have, like, a wife and kids
[00:20:25 –> 00:20:27] and it just feels so different.
[00:20:27 –> 00:20:31] But guys, if we give in to going back
[00:20:31 –> 00:20:34] and getting getting sucked into the past
[00:20:34 –> 00:20:37] and kind of inhabiting those memories,
[00:20:37 –> 00:20:39] it’s not just discouragement, it’s disconnection.
[00:20:39 –> 00:20:42] It’s disconnection from reality, ourselves,
[00:20:42 –> 00:20:45] your wife and God.
[00:20:46 –> 00:20:47] So that’s what’s at play here
[00:20:47 –> 00:20:49] is that we become disconnected.
[00:20:51 –> 00:20:55] And then we have, it kind of numbs
[00:20:55 –> 00:20:58] or it some sort of makes us kind of feel better,
[00:20:58 –> 00:21:01] but it’s not true.
[00:21:01 –> 00:21:03] Like, we’re not living in the truth.
[00:21:03 –> 00:21:06] We’re living, again, and this is where imagination comes in,
[00:21:06 –> 00:21:09] especially if the imagination is used here as well,
[00:21:09 –> 00:21:14] is that we, yeah, it’s just like,
[00:21:14 –> 00:21:17] we’re not living and breathing what’s true.
[00:21:17 –> 00:21:20] And so therefore we, again,
[00:21:20 –> 00:21:23] this disconnection can just, like, kind of take us deeper.
[00:21:23 –> 00:21:25] So I think that’s what’s at play here.
[00:21:25 –> 00:21:29] And if we’re going to complete the circuit,
[00:21:29 –> 00:21:31] then when we notice that,
[00:21:31 –> 00:21:34] we gotta notice the spiritual battle and the human battle.
[00:21:34 –> 00:21:37] When we notice that we’re being pulled back
[00:21:37 –> 00:21:40] to any memories for whatever reason,
[00:21:40 –> 00:21:44] this is when, again, we need to be aware
[00:21:44 –> 00:21:47] and we need to name well what’s happening interiorly.
[00:21:47 –> 00:21:49] And then Father Basil’s going to say,
[00:21:49 –> 00:21:52] “I need to make an act of faith and trust
[00:21:52 –> 00:21:57] in the present moment that God is more real right here
[00:21:57 –> 00:22:00] in sitting at my desk when I don’t like this.
[00:22:00 –> 00:22:02] God is more real than what He was
[00:22:02 –> 00:22:04] when I was a missionary five years ago.
[00:22:04 –> 00:22:07] I’m going to make an act of faith and trust in the living-“
[00:22:07 –> 00:22:08] What does that mean?
[00:22:09 –> 00:22:11] Like, that God is more real now
[00:22:11 –> 00:22:13] than the five years ago thing.
[00:22:13 –> 00:22:14] Yeah, because again,
[00:22:16 –> 00:22:17] God is in the present moment,
[00:22:17 –> 00:22:20] and I’m assuming living in a state of grace,
[00:22:20 –> 00:22:24] living in the full, like, your vocation, God is real, right?
[00:22:24 –> 00:22:28] He’s here and, like, again, He’s not stuck in the past
[00:22:28 –> 00:22:32] or God’s not more proud of you when you were, like,
[00:22:32 –> 00:22:33] I was going to say a FOCUS missionary,
[00:22:33 –> 00:22:35] but any type of missionary.
[00:22:35 –> 00:22:36] We’re keeping it general. – Yeah. So it’s not that,
[00:22:36 –> 00:22:38] like, what happened five years ago wasn’t real.
[00:22:38 –> 00:22:40] It’s that we’re not five years ago anymore. We’re here.
[00:22:40 –> 00:22:42] Yeah. And God is here.
[00:22:43 –> 00:22:47] That’s the whole beauty of our relationship with God.
[00:22:47 –> 00:22:49] It’s, He’s taking care of us.
[00:22:49 –> 00:22:53] He’s a good father now in the very breath I’m taking.
[00:22:53 –> 00:22:57] God is fully, perfectly present to me, caring for me,
[00:22:57 –> 00:23:01] holding everything of who I am in a reality.
[00:23:01 –> 00:23:03] So yes, it’s real in the past,
[00:23:03 –> 00:23:05] but this will believe about the living God.
[00:23:05 –> 00:23:10] Jesus is here. That’s what I mean about that’s more true.
[00:23:11 –> 00:23:14] I mean, or yeah, I don’t know if there’s a different way
[00:23:14 –> 00:23:16] to say it because that was true five years ago,
[00:23:16 –> 00:23:18] but it’s not reality now.
[00:23:18 –> 00:23:20] It’s not the present moment
[00:23:20 –> 00:23:23] that God is choosing to give Himself to me.
[00:23:23 –> 00:23:24] I would just add, it’s the same conversation
[00:23:24 –> 00:23:27] about meditation, it’s almost like we have a meditation
[00:23:27 –> 00:23:28] about what God did in the past.
[00:23:28 –> 00:23:30] And meditations are beautiful,
[00:23:30 –> 00:23:33] but it’s not the actual experience of communion now.
[00:23:33 –> 00:23:35] We can have beautiful, like, remembrances
[00:23:35 –> 00:23:37] of like, “Oh, God came to me five years ago
[00:23:37 –> 00:23:39] as a new missionary and that was incredible.”
[00:23:39 –> 00:23:42] And we just want to kind of hang out in that meditation
[00:23:42 –> 00:23:44] and then we get discouraged that it’s not true now.
[00:23:44 –> 00:23:47] But the reality is, is that, like, I remember that maybe
[00:23:47 –> 00:23:50] to this, like, “Man, like, look how good God is
[00:23:50 –> 00:23:51] and he’s going to be good to me now.
[00:23:51 –> 00:23:52] He’s going to be present to me now.
[00:23:52 –> 00:23:55] I can still pray now, even if it looks different, right?”
[00:23:55 –> 00:23:58] And so we could get caught in those memories as meditations
[00:23:58 –> 00:24:00] rather than the reality of, like,
[00:24:00 –> 00:24:01] what does the Lord want to do
[00:24:01 –> 00:24:03] and how does He want to show up for me now?
[00:24:03 –> 00:24:04] And so like the prayer,
[00:24:04 –> 00:24:07] and you can kind of direct it,
[00:24:07 –> 00:24:08] could be something like, “Hey Lord, like, I just,
[00:24:08 –> 00:24:11] I love you. I bless you. I thank you for the gift
[00:24:11 –> 00:24:12] of how you were present to me
[00:24:12 –> 00:24:14] and loving me and caring for me
[00:24:14 –> 00:24:16] and working through me, you know,
[00:24:16 –> 00:24:18] five years ago, my first year of mission.
[00:24:20 –> 00:24:21] But I believe, Lord, that you are here
[00:24:21 –> 00:24:22] and that you are with me
[00:24:22 –> 00:24:26] and that you are Emmanuel, God here of this present moment
[00:24:26 –> 00:24:28] and that here and now, you are continuing to do your work
[00:24:28 –> 00:24:30] in me and through me.
[00:24:30 –> 00:24:32] And you know, Lord, I’m honest. Like, it looks different.
[00:24:32 –> 00:24:34] It doesn’t feel as consoling or as romantic.
[00:24:36 –> 00:24:38] But that’s okay, Lord, because I want you.
[00:24:38 –> 00:24:40] I want you and you are here with me.
[00:24:40 –> 00:24:42] And I’m open to, like, your promptings here.
[00:24:42 –> 00:24:46] Like, I love you and I bless you for what you’re doing here.
[00:24:46 –> 00:24:49] Like, and you know, how are you inviting me to go deeper?
[00:24:49 –> 00:24:50] What are you inviting me to?”
[00:24:50 –> 00:24:53] Like, it’s like speak Lord, your servant’s listening.
[00:24:53 –> 00:24:55] Like, is that kind of the idea?
[00:24:55 –> 00:24:57] Perfect. I love every part of that.
[00:24:57 –> 00:25:00] And the more real we can make it, like Jesus,
[00:25:00 –> 00:25:01] like it’s your heart for me right now.
[00:25:01 –> 00:25:03] It’s your love. It’s your prayer.
[00:25:03 –> 00:25:05] Like, look, there’s a real person
[00:25:05 –> 00:25:06] looking back at you in prayer.
[00:25:06 –> 00:25:08] So to name Jesus, you are here
[00:25:08 –> 00:25:12] and you are moved by what’s happening in my heart right now.
[00:25:12 –> 00:25:15] Right? So we’re just, we’re making it,
[00:25:15 –> 00:25:19] we’re trying to activate what’s most true.
[00:25:19 –> 00:25:20] And sometimes we have to fight for it.
[00:25:20 –> 00:25:24] And I like to say, like, activate or claim it, right?
[00:25:24 –> 00:25:26] So we’re saying what is true about prayer,
[00:25:26 –> 00:25:29] that there’s a real person looking back at us.
[00:25:29 –> 00:25:31] And we’re making that act of faith and trust.
[00:25:31 –> 00:25:33] So everything you just said is spot on.
[00:25:33 –> 00:25:35] And so part of what we’re doing
[00:25:35 –> 00:25:37] is we’re thanking the Lord for what He did.
[00:25:37 –> 00:25:38] We’re thanking Him for who He is.
[00:25:38 –> 00:25:39] Absolutely. – What He’s doing here.
[00:25:39 –> 00:25:42] And we’re, like, asking for His grace
[00:25:42 –> 00:25:43] and open to His invitation.
[00:25:44 –> 00:25:46] I had a question to kind of bring it to you, Father Angelus.
[00:25:46 –> 00:25:47] Is that all right? Or did you want to add something on that?
[00:25:47 –> 00:25:48] No, I was just going to say,
[00:25:48 –> 00:25:50] if we can look at it as well.
[00:25:50 –> 00:25:51] I’m happy to take your question,
[00:25:51 –> 00:25:53] but look at it as, like, there’s an atmosphere that,
[00:25:53 –> 00:25:55] where God lives with us in the present.
[00:25:55 –> 00:25:58] And it feels like the path is this other atmosphere
[00:25:58 –> 00:25:59] that sometimes we just get,
[00:25:59 –> 00:26:01] kind of like start to float in, right?
[00:26:01 –> 00:26:05] And so we always want to, like,
[00:26:05 –> 00:26:06] I was thinking of the Eucharist.
[00:26:06 –> 00:26:09] The Eucharist is like a magnetic force for the present.
[00:26:10 –> 00:26:12] Like, if you’re having a hard time living in the present,
[00:26:12 –> 00:26:16] just go and sit in front of the, I mean, tabernacle,
[00:26:16 –> 00:26:18] Jesus exposed in the Eucharist.
[00:26:18 –> 00:26:21] He’s, like, proclaiming, “I am present here now.”
[00:26:23 –> 00:26:25] And let your senses, like, I always tell people oftentimes
[00:26:25 –> 00:26:26] like, don’t close your eyes
[00:26:26 –> 00:26:28] when you’re in the presence of the Eucharistic Lord.
[00:26:28 –> 00:26:29] Obviously you can pray with your eyes closed,
[00:26:29 –> 00:26:30] but like, so you see Him.
[00:26:30 –> 00:26:31] So your senses are…
[00:26:31 –> 00:26:33] Like, He is here.
[00:26:33 –> 00:26:35] If I close my eyes, there’s this temptation
[00:26:35 –> 00:26:38] to kind of get off into a place where, like, again,
[00:26:38 –> 00:26:40] maybe that memory that pulls me back, right?
[00:26:40 –> 00:26:43] And so I just think there’s, like, a force
[00:26:43 –> 00:26:48] where Jesus wants to claim us for His own now.
[00:26:48 –> 00:26:50] Even if we need to engage the past,
[00:26:50 –> 00:26:52] give thanks for the past, remember the past
[00:26:52 –> 00:26:55] that maybe can help us remember what God has done.
[00:26:55 –> 00:26:57] But like, there’s something about the force.
[00:26:57 –> 00:27:00] There’s an atmosphere in which He wants to pull us in.
[00:27:00 –> 00:27:04] Before the other question ends, just how beautiful,
[00:27:04 –> 00:27:07] like, remembrance is such a big part of the Catholicism.
[00:27:07 –> 00:27:08] Like, do this in memory of me.
[00:27:08 –> 00:27:10] And we remember the Paschal Mystery,
[00:27:10 –> 00:27:12] the life, death and resurrection of Jesus,
[00:27:12 –> 00:27:14] not as just nostalgia.
[00:27:14 –> 00:27:16] Like, oh, that was nice.
[00:27:16 –> 00:27:18] It’s actually remembering.
[00:27:18 –> 00:27:20] It’s actually entering into memories
[00:27:20 –> 00:27:25] so I can experience again, right now,
[00:27:25 –> 00:27:27] the fullness of His life, right?
[00:27:27 –> 00:27:30] So it’s really important that memories are meant
[00:27:30 –> 00:27:33] to not just, like, help us feel like,
[00:27:33 –> 00:27:37] oh, like remember the past and help us feel better.
[00:27:37 –> 00:27:40] But they’re supposed to usher in connection
[00:27:40 –> 00:27:42] and communion again, right?
[00:27:42 –> 00:27:46] With a living God, with myself, with an integration.
[00:27:46 –> 00:27:47] So it’s just beautiful.
[00:27:47 –> 00:27:49] It’s like, memories are tricky
[00:27:49 –> 00:27:51] because they want to anchor us in the past,
[00:27:51 –> 00:27:54] but they’re actually supposed to be a gift that reminds us
[00:27:54 –> 00:27:58] and helps us remember that, again, memory’s in that word,
[00:27:58 –> 00:28:03] remember what God did so I can actually experience the truth
[00:28:03 –> 00:28:05] of His love again for me right now.
[00:28:05 –> 00:28:08] So I just think that’s really beautiful too.
[00:28:09 –> 00:28:10] And so this is like,
[00:28:10 –> 00:28:13] we kind of workshop went through, again, sort of like
[00:28:13 –> 00:28:14] from what we have of these notes here,
[00:28:14 –> 00:28:16] there’s like these two traps.
[00:28:16 –> 00:28:19] The nostalgic, sort of idealized past.
[00:28:19 –> 00:28:20] We kind of went through that a little bit.
[00:28:20 –> 00:28:25] And now, like, how do we do this with the other part
[00:28:26 –> 00:28:29] of, like, we can’t be constantly rehashing old wounds?
[00:28:30 –> 00:28:33] So I’m trying to think of, like, how do we do this?
[00:28:33 –> 00:28:36] Basically what I want to give to you is like, okay,
[00:28:37 –> 00:28:39] let’s look at some difficult experience that happened,
[00:28:39 –> 00:28:41] some sort of traumatic experience that happened.
[00:28:41 –> 00:28:43] Now, how do we kind of find that integration
[00:28:43 –> 00:28:46] and peace in it, in a healthy and appropriate way?
[00:28:46 –> 00:28:47] So I don’t know, like,
[00:28:47 –> 00:28:48] do you have an example that comes to mind?
[00:28:48 –> 00:28:50] Do you want me to try and think of one?
[00:28:53 –> 00:28:55] Do I have an example that comes to mind?
[00:28:56 –> 00:28:57] Let me. I’ll give you one, right?
[00:28:57 –> 00:28:59] Yeah, please. I’m happy to throw-
[00:28:59 –> 00:29:00] All right. Pretend, you know,
[00:29:00 –> 00:29:02] I think this is something that happens is like,
[00:29:02 –> 00:29:03] pretend you’re a sibling.
[00:29:03 –> 00:29:05] It could be you have this experience
[00:29:05 –> 00:29:06] maybe because you’re the oldest sibling
[00:29:06 –> 00:29:07] or maybe because one of your siblings
[00:29:07 –> 00:29:08] is particularly struggling
[00:29:08 –> 00:29:10] or has some sort of, like, health issues.
[00:29:10 –> 00:29:14] And it’s like, okay, like the mom and dad, like,
[00:29:14 –> 00:29:17] really need to take care of my sister
[00:29:17 –> 00:29:18] who has these health issues
[00:29:18 –> 00:29:21] or really needs to take care of, like, my brother
[00:29:21 –> 00:29:22] who is, like, struggling with addiction
[00:29:22 –> 00:29:23] or whatever like that.
[00:29:23 –> 00:29:26] And so my part to play here is to, like,
[00:29:26 –> 00:29:29] not have any needs and not cause any problems.
[00:29:29 –> 00:29:33] And so then you’re kind of going through life constantly
[00:29:33 –> 00:29:34] like, people pleasing,
[00:29:34 –> 00:29:37] constantly having a lot of anxiety about making any mistakes
[00:29:37 –> 00:29:39] and, like, not having the freedom
[00:29:39 –> 00:29:41] to be needy or to need help.
[00:29:41 –> 00:29:44] And so, like, you’re kind of isolated in this thing.
[00:29:44 –> 00:29:48] Now, like, how would we kind of,
[00:29:48 –> 00:29:50] okay, you recognize this.
[00:29:50 –> 00:29:51] And then how can you not have, like,
[00:29:51 –> 00:29:52] resentment towards your parents
[00:29:52 –> 00:29:54] or resentment towards the sibling
[00:29:54 –> 00:29:57] who had these struggles, or resentment towards God?
[00:29:57 –> 00:30:00] And how do we kind of find the integration here?
[00:30:00 –> 00:30:02] Yeah. And you, just to fill in a little bit,
[00:30:02 –> 00:30:04] you imagine this, like, young man is like,
[00:30:04 –> 00:30:07] or this young woman is showing up to life as a disciple,
[00:30:07 –> 00:30:11] as someone who wants to be fruitful, you know,
[00:30:11 –> 00:30:13] in their attempt to live the gospel
[00:30:13 –> 00:30:15] and wants to discern their vocation.
[00:30:15 –> 00:30:17] And so like, they’re moving in this space,
[00:30:17 –> 00:30:20] but they seem to be caught in this experience
[00:30:20 –> 00:30:21] or caught in this narrative, right?
[00:30:21 –> 00:30:24] And so, like, again, you’re trying to find the balance
[00:30:24 –> 00:30:27] because the invitation to silence
[00:30:27 –> 00:30:30] and presence in the midst of living our lives
[00:30:30 –> 00:30:35] is assuming that this reality doesn’t have power over me
[00:30:37 –> 00:30:38] in the present, right?
[00:30:38 –> 00:30:39] And so, but that’s not going to be the case
[00:30:39 –> 00:30:41] for most people who haven’t done the work, right?
[00:30:41 –> 00:30:46] So they’re sensing that, this threatens me.
[00:30:46 –> 00:30:50] Not only the tough emotions of maybe being lonely
[00:30:50 –> 00:30:51] and self-reliance
[00:30:51 –> 00:30:54] and being maybe abandoned by my parents comes up,
[00:30:54 –> 00:30:56] but also the narratives.
[00:30:56 –> 00:30:57] The narratives, like, “Well, I’m not important.
[00:30:57 –> 00:30:59] Nobody saw me. Nobody wants me.
[00:30:59 –> 00:31:01] I have to do everything on my own.”
[00:31:01 –> 00:31:04] And so you’re stuck with these unfelt emotions
[00:31:04 –> 00:31:05] and you’re stuck with these narratives
[00:31:05 –> 00:31:07] that can overtake us, right?
[00:31:07 –> 00:31:09] So therefore, very much robbed me
[00:31:09 –> 00:31:12] of the gift to live in the presence
[00:31:12 –> 00:31:13] and to live the life of prayer
[00:31:13 –> 00:31:16] and to not actually show up to perform in prayer,
[00:31:16 –> 00:31:18] to be perfect in prayer, to be self-reliant in prayer,
[00:31:18 –> 00:31:20] because you’re going to transfer all those things
[00:31:20 –> 00:31:23] that you experience in life then, like, into prayer
[00:31:23 –> 00:31:24] and you’re going to be like, “Well, God abandoned me.
[00:31:24 –> 00:31:26] Does God abandon me too?
[00:31:26 –> 00:31:28] Are other people more important than me?”
[00:31:28 –> 00:31:31] And so you’re going to keep playing those out, right?
[00:31:31 –> 00:31:35] And so, if we want to be free, then the invitation is,
[00:31:35 –> 00:31:38] and again, this is where we have good friends,
[00:31:38 –> 00:31:40] this is where we have good people, a good counselor,
[00:31:40 –> 00:31:43] a good spiritual director, a good group of people
[00:31:43 –> 00:31:47] that could help me see the way I’m living.
[00:31:47 –> 00:31:50] And help me see the story that keeps coming up in my life
[00:31:50 –> 00:31:54] and then what does it mean to name and feel those emotions?
[00:31:54 –> 00:31:55] And kind of again, emotions are,
[00:31:57 –> 00:31:58] a Christian psychologist said emotions are,
[00:31:58 –> 00:32:01] Adam Young says emotions are like rivers, they need to run.
[00:32:01 –> 00:32:05] But if they’re stopped up because I never named or felt them
[00:32:05 –> 00:32:08] then that’s what’s kind of causing me turmoil,
[00:32:08 –> 00:32:09] inner turmoil.
[00:32:09 –> 00:32:10] So if I can name and feel the memories
[00:32:10 –> 00:32:12] and almost, like, let those run,
[00:32:12 –> 00:32:14] and again, needed a safe place to do that,
[00:32:14 –> 00:32:17] can someone hold my intent, abandonment, sadness,
[00:32:17 –> 00:32:20] loneliness with me so I can feel that properly?
[00:32:20 –> 00:32:23] And can I name the narratives that I’ve been living them?
[00:32:23 –> 00:32:25] And we would say in kind of like a deliverance way,
[00:32:25 –> 00:32:28] can I name and renounce the narratives
[00:32:28 –> 00:32:29] that I’ve been living from?
[00:32:29 –> 00:32:33] And in that work, you’re more and more free.
[00:32:33 –> 00:32:36] You’re more and more able to let go of these things
[00:32:36 –> 00:32:38] that have captured you
[00:32:38 –> 00:32:43] or allowed you to be stuck in particular situations.
[00:32:43 –> 00:32:45] Integrate those memories,
[00:32:45 –> 00:32:46] those experience into my daily life.
[00:32:46 –> 00:32:50] And then I’m more able to show up as someone who’s present,
[00:32:50 –> 00:32:52] someone who’s longing for deeper prayer,
[00:32:52 –> 00:32:54] longing for deeper connection with God and other people.
[00:32:54 –> 00:32:58] And I’m less likely to be caught up or tripped up
[00:32:58 –> 00:33:00] by my spirit of abandonment, my experience of being lonely,
[00:33:00 –> 00:33:03] my experience of having to do everything on my own.
[00:33:03 –> 00:33:05] And if you do that sort of work,
[00:33:05 –> 00:33:10] then you’re much more able to be aware of, oh man,
[00:33:10 –> 00:33:11] like yesterday, perfect example,
[00:33:11 –> 00:33:13] like, I had an intense house meeting
[00:33:13 –> 00:33:16] and there was, like, this anxiety in my chest
[00:33:16 –> 00:33:18] and I literally just had to sit down and be like,
[00:33:18 –> 00:33:20] “Why am I anxious right now?”
[00:33:20 –> 00:33:22] It was beautiful. I was able to name it,
[00:33:22 –> 00:33:23] name it with one of the brothers
[00:33:23 –> 00:33:25] and just kind of feel it with the Lord.
[00:33:25 –> 00:33:27] But that’s the fruit of a decade of work
[00:33:29 –> 00:33:31] to recognize anxiety in the moment.
[00:33:31 –> 00:33:32] I wasn’t right.
[00:33:32 –> 00:33:34] There was something inside of me that was burdened
[00:33:34 –> 00:33:38] and felt like this lump right in my chest, right?
[00:33:38 –> 00:33:41] But when we do that kind of work
[00:33:41 –> 00:33:44] which robs us of the gift of connection and silence
[00:33:44 –> 00:33:46] and presence with God in the present,
[00:33:46 –> 00:33:50] when we do that kind of work, it doesn’t rob us very long.
[00:33:51 –> 00:33:52] You know, I guess we’re in a fallen world.
[00:33:52 –> 00:33:54] We’re always going to be robbed, right?
[00:33:54 –> 00:33:56] But can I not be robbed for, like, a day?
[00:33:56 –> 00:33:59] How about I was robbed for like 20 minutes?
[00:33:59 –> 00:34:00] And then I’m much more able then
[00:34:00 –> 00:34:03] to be connected to the Lord still, show up to prayer still,
[00:34:03 –> 00:34:05] and then to be able to give myself
[00:34:05 –> 00:34:09] to the 20 men in my house, you know.
[00:34:09 –> 00:34:12] And so does that make sense, Father Mark-Mary?
[00:34:12 –> 00:34:13] Can I just add, like,
[00:34:13 –> 00:34:14] to complete the circuit.
[00:34:14 –> 00:34:17] So Father, what you’re saying, if we do this work
[00:34:17 –> 00:34:20] what happens is the past trauma
[00:34:20 –> 00:34:23] or going back and getting stuck in old memories,
[00:34:23 –> 00:34:25] no matter which way you do it,
[00:34:25 –> 00:34:27] it creates a lot of inner turmoil
[00:34:27 –> 00:34:30] and a lot of interior noise.
[00:34:30 –> 00:34:33] And when we start on this journey of silencing the memories,
[00:34:33 –> 00:34:35] or what we’re talking about is healing.
[00:34:35 –> 00:34:37] When we go down the journey of healing,
[00:34:37 –> 00:34:42] then we have this deeper integration and interior stability
[00:34:42 –> 00:34:44] and what I call stillness.
[00:34:44 –> 00:34:49] Like, the water, the interior waters are calm.
[00:34:49 –> 00:34:51] And therefore my heart is more sensitive
[00:34:51 –> 00:34:54] to the movements of the Holy Spirit,
[00:34:54 –> 00:34:56] of the movements of a relationship with God
[00:34:56 –> 00:35:00] where I can notice and experience Him in my daily life more.
[00:35:00 –> 00:35:05] Because I am anchored in truth of myself, of God, of others.
[00:35:07 –> 00:35:10] There’s an interior stability. That’s what keeps coming.
[00:35:11 –> 00:35:12] An interior stability.
[00:35:12 –> 00:35:16] And so therefore the silence, the stillness,
[00:35:16 –> 00:35:18] the rest is just,
[00:35:18 –> 00:35:21] there’s an ease to which I can enter into that.
[00:35:21 –> 00:35:23] And then I begin, again, the idea is
[00:35:23 –> 00:35:26] I can live from a different space
[00:35:26 –> 00:35:31] rather than being hijacked back into my painful,
[00:35:31 –> 00:35:33] broken, scattered memories.
[00:35:33 –> 00:35:35] So this is just how, to complete the circuit,
[00:35:35 –> 00:35:38] that’s how, if we do this work,
[00:35:38 –> 00:35:40] it’s at the service of silence.
[00:35:41 –> 00:35:42] And if we don’t do the work,
[00:35:42 –> 00:35:44] unfortunately, it finds a way out.
[00:35:44 –> 00:35:46] Unfortunately, that inner turmoil,
[00:35:46 –> 00:35:50] the lack of inner stillness and where we find ourselves,
[00:35:50 –> 00:35:51] disconnection from ourselves from the Lord
[00:35:51 –> 00:35:54] and from others, it’s fruitful in a negative way, right?
[00:35:54 –> 00:35:56] And that can be discouraging
[00:35:56 –> 00:35:59] and that can be difficult, right?
[00:35:59 –> 00:36:00] And so, again, we don’t,
[00:36:00 –> 00:36:03] the whole point of the Christian life is not,
[00:36:03 –> 00:36:04] healing’s not the point.
[00:36:04 –> 00:36:06] The point is deeper communion with God
[00:36:06 –> 00:36:08] so I can be a fruitful man to give my life for other people.
[00:36:08 –> 00:36:10] Healing’s a part of that journey
[00:36:10 –> 00:36:12] so I can be more free to do that.
[00:36:13 –> 00:36:18] And so could you like, I don’t know,
[00:36:18 –> 00:36:20] like, if you could sort of like model prayer
[00:36:20 –> 00:36:22] of this person who’s had, you know-
[00:36:22 –> 00:36:24] Sure. – So there, you know.
[00:36:24 –> 00:36:26] And maybe you can sort of color it,
[00:36:26 –> 00:36:27] like, okay, here’s this thing that happened.
[00:36:27 –> 00:36:29] It’s touching on this wound.
[00:36:29 –> 00:36:32] And then here’s how I pray with it.
[00:36:32 –> 00:36:33] Yeah. So like, we’ll go back
[00:36:33 –> 00:36:35] to our example of the young man
[00:36:35 –> 00:36:38] who was neglected by his parents because of his brother
[00:36:38 –> 00:36:41] and had to perform and achieve and be perfect, right?
[00:36:41 –> 00:36:46] So let’s say he finds himself exhausted one day and alone.
[00:36:48 –> 00:36:51] And so he shows up to prayer and he’s like, “Okay.”
[00:36:54 –> 00:36:56] He, like, takes a deep breath and he says,
[00:36:56 –> 00:37:00] “Jesus, I feel abandoned.
[00:37:02 –> 00:37:04] I feel like no one’s paying attention to me
[00:37:04 –> 00:37:07] and I feel like I always have to do it on my own.
[00:37:08 –> 00:37:10] But I come to you here today, Lord,
[00:37:12 –> 00:37:14] to claim the truth that you’re here with me,
[00:37:16 –> 00:37:18] that you’re here with me right now.
[00:37:20 –> 00:37:22] And the burdens I feel in my body,
[00:37:25 –> 00:37:28] the narrative that I believe that I have to do it on my own,
[00:37:28 –> 00:37:29] I just surrender to you right now.
[00:37:39 –> 00:37:41] I don’t want to do it on my own anymore.
[00:37:44 –> 00:37:46] I don’t want to be by myself.
[00:37:51 –> 00:37:54] Lord, I trust in you and I surrender this moment to you.
[00:37:54 –> 00:37:58] I surrender this burden of anxiety and worry in me.
[00:38:01 –> 00:38:03] And Jesus, I ask you to send me someone to help me.
[00:38:03 –> 00:38:07] Send me someone to be present to me.
[00:38:07 –> 00:38:09] Send me someone to counteract the narrative
[00:38:10 –> 00:38:12] that nobody cares about me.
[00:38:14 –> 00:38:15] But thank you for this moment of prayer, Jesus,
[00:38:15 –> 00:38:18] that I know that you care about me and you are with me.”
[00:38:26 –> 00:38:29] Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful.
[00:38:31 –> 00:38:35] Thank you, guys. Anything, Father Innocent?
[00:38:35 –> 00:38:37] No, I’m just super grateful
[00:38:37 –> 00:38:39] just for, again, the real time examples there.
[00:38:39 –> 00:38:44] And I feel like if we, like, choose to do this work
[00:38:44 –> 00:38:49] and just stand under the blessing of, yeah, just,
[00:38:49 –> 00:38:52] yeah, the real relationship we have with the Lord,
[00:38:56 –> 00:38:57] we don’t have to get stuck in the past.
[00:38:57 –> 00:38:59] We can stay with Him in the present.
[00:39:01 –> 00:39:06] And I just think we’re going to experience life differently.
[00:39:06 –> 00:39:08] And we’re going to taste the silence, the stillness,
[00:39:08 –> 00:39:09] the rest that we long for.
[00:39:09 –> 00:39:11] So it’s just super possible to stay with the Lord
[00:39:11 –> 00:39:14] in the present moment, so I’m just grateful.
[00:39:14 –> 00:39:15] And I think just to kind of,
[00:39:15 –> 00:39:18] to highlight note, like, in the time of prayer,
[00:39:18 –> 00:39:20] like, especially there with Father Innocent, like,
[00:39:21 –> 00:39:23] or Father Angelus, like, feeling like, if you will,
[00:39:23 –> 00:39:25] like, a stillness and a peace.
[00:39:25 –> 00:39:27] And we can call it, like, a bit of a silence, right?
[00:39:27 –> 00:39:29] As we kind of like, entered into that.
[00:39:29 –> 00:39:31] Whereas, like, the memory of the thing,
[00:39:31 –> 00:39:32] it’s like loud, loud, loud, loud, loud.
[00:39:32 –> 00:39:35] But then, when you bring it to the Lord in that way,
[00:39:35 –> 00:39:38] like, you do get, like, the peace, the stillness,
[00:39:38 –> 00:39:40] the silence, if you will.
[00:39:40 –> 00:39:40] Yeah, it’s beautiful.
[00:39:40 –> 00:39:42] And just to add to that, bro,
[00:39:42 –> 00:39:44] in working with other people, it’s important to get there,
[00:39:44 –> 00:39:45] like, in a session
[00:39:45 –> 00:39:47] where you’re either doing spiritual direction, confession,
[00:39:47 –> 00:39:49] or you’re working through a story,
[00:39:49 –> 00:39:51] you eventually want to get to a like,
[00:39:51 –> 00:39:53] “Hey, we just named and felt things.
[00:39:53 –> 00:39:54] We talked about the narratives.
[00:39:54 –> 00:39:57] Could we just now try to settle in
[00:39:57 –> 00:40:00] and to be with one another, to be with the Lord,
[00:40:00 –> 00:40:02] to be with what you’re feeling in your body
[00:40:02 –> 00:40:04] and let the Lord come and minister to you
[00:40:04 –> 00:40:06] and wonder what it’s like for your body
[00:40:06 –> 00:40:07] to feel another presence,
[00:40:07 –> 00:40:09] whether it’s me and the Lord, right?”
[00:40:09 –> 00:40:13] And so like, because then it’s just kind of, in a way,
[00:40:13 –> 00:40:14] they call it talk therapy, right?
[00:40:14 –> 00:40:15] We’re just talking about a lot of things.
[00:40:15 –> 00:40:18] But if you can get people to where they actually experience
[00:40:18 –> 00:40:20] and taste for a moment that, like,
[00:40:20 –> 00:40:24] the connection with God in the midst of their struggle,
[00:40:24 –> 00:40:25] something beautiful happens.
[00:40:25 –> 00:40:28] Thank God, right? Or it’s just all, what is this all for?
[00:40:30 –> 00:40:32] Beautiful. All right.
[00:40:32 –> 00:40:34] We’ll go ahead and say one last prayer.
[00:40:34 –> 00:40:35] In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. Amen.
[00:40:35 –> 00:40:37] Jesus, we thank you for the good moments we have had.
[00:40:37 –> 00:40:38] We thank you for…
[00:40:43 –> 00:40:44] And we entrust to you, Lord,
[00:40:44 –> 00:40:46] the difficult moments that we’ve had.
[00:40:46 –> 00:40:51] We pray, Lord, that they may not pull us out of reality.
[00:40:51 –> 00:40:54] That we may not get stuck in either past highs
[00:40:54 –> 00:40:59] or past hurts, but may always remain with you in the moment.
[00:41:01 –> 00:41:03] Confident in the work that you are doing,
[00:41:03 –> 00:41:06] the work of healing, the work of shepherding,
[00:41:06 –> 00:41:07] of bringing us deeper.
[00:41:08 –> 00:41:11] And we pray, Lord, that we may stay in reality
[00:41:11 –> 00:41:14] and stay with you in communion with you and trust of you.
[00:41:15 –> 00:41:19] And we entrust to you this moment and all of our listeners.
[00:41:19 –> 00:41:20] In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
[00:41:20 –> 00:41:22] Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Amen.
[00:41:22 –> 00:41:24] Amen. – All right.
[00:41:25 –> 00:41:26] All good.
[00:41:26 –> 00:41:28] Thanks guys. Thanks everybody.
[00:41:28 –> 00:41:29] Peace guys. God bless you.
[00:41:29 –> 00:41:30] ♪ Poco a Poco ♪
[00:41:30 –> 00:41:33] (singing in Spanish)