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Ask a Priest

Do We Just Forgive and Forget?

Episode Summary

As a Christian, do you have to reconcile with someone who hurt you? Does forgiveness mean restoring the relationship, trusting that person again, or simply “forgiving and forgetting”?

In this episode of Ask a Priest, Fr. Tim responds to a question from Mary, who has set boundaries in a relationship that causes drama and distress. He offers a helpful framework for distinguishing forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust.

Christians are commanded to forgive. Personal forgiveness can begin even when the person who caused the harm has not apologized or changed. But forgiveness does not mean denying what happened, abandoning justice, or pretending trust has already been restored. It means renouncing hatred and personal vengeance, willing the other person’s ultimate good, and entrusting judgment to God.

Reconciliation is different because it requires the participation of both people. Christians should desire the other person’s good and peace, and remain open to reconciliation when it is truthful, mutual, and prudent. That openness does not require remaining available for renewed contact when distance is necessary for safety or serious prudential reasons. Reconciliation also does not necessarily mean returning to the exact relationship that existed before.

Fr. Tim’s central pastoral point is clear: forgive, desire the other person’s good, seek peace where possible, and use prudence when discerning whether reconciliation, trust, or closer contact can be restored.

[00:00:00 –> 00:00:02] Why incense? Why incense at mass?
[00:00:02 –> 00:00:05] Why incense in the Catholic Church? What’s it all about?
[00:00:05 –> 00:00:08] (gentle music)
[00:00:09 –> 00:00:10] I remember when I was in college,
[00:00:10 –> 00:00:13] one of my friends asked the priest,
[00:00:13 –> 00:00:14] “Why do we do incense?
[00:00:14 –> 00:00:16] It smells horrible. It’s annoying.
[00:00:16 –> 00:00:18] I cough every time I smell incense.”
[00:00:18 –> 00:00:20] And the priest responded,
[00:00:20 –> 00:00:23] “It’s either incense in heaven or sulfur in hell.
[00:00:23 –> 00:00:24] Get used to it.”
[00:00:24 –> 00:00:27] Probably not the best way of evangelizing,
[00:00:27 –> 00:00:30] but the Book of Revelation talking about the angels
[00:00:30 –> 00:00:34] incensing the Father, incensing the Son, the Holy Spirit,
[00:00:34 –> 00:00:35] that within heaven,
[00:00:35 –> 00:00:39] there’s a glorification of the Lord with incense.
[00:00:39 –> 00:00:41] Incense was in the Old Testament.
[00:00:41 –> 00:00:42] It was in the New Testament.
[00:00:42 –> 00:00:43] It’s part of our tradition.
[00:00:43 –> 00:00:44] But for us as Catholics,
[00:00:44 –> 00:00:48] we are so earthy and so tangible and so physical.
[00:00:48 –> 00:00:50] We love this stuff.
[00:00:50 –> 00:00:52] For incense, we have the thurible,
[00:00:52 –> 00:00:56] metal from the Earth, handcrafted by human beings.
[00:00:56 –> 00:00:59] We have the charcoal from wood.
[00:00:59 –> 00:01:03] We have the incense, which is resin from trees.
[00:01:03 –> 00:01:04] It’s all glorifying the Father,
[00:01:04 –> 00:01:06] the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
[00:01:06 –> 00:01:08] Well, Francis talked about incense at mass,
[00:01:08 –> 00:01:11] how awesome it is because we get ready for the hallelujah.
[00:01:11 –> 00:01:13] The Book of the Gospels is incensed.
[00:01:13 –> 00:01:16] It’s basically saying, get ready to hear from the king.
[00:01:16 –> 00:01:18] The king is about to speak.
[00:01:18 –> 00:01:20] Then we have incense at the offertory
[00:01:20 –> 00:01:22] where the altar is incensed.
[00:01:22 –> 00:01:25] And that’s also saying, the king is coming.
[00:01:25 –> 00:01:26] Prepare for the king.
[00:01:26 –> 00:01:30] Incense reminds us that our Catholic faith is not dead.
[00:01:30 –> 00:01:34] It’s not unimpressive. It’s not boring.
[00:01:34 –> 00:01:37] It’s alive. It’s billowing out of love.
[00:01:37 –> 00:01:42] It is flowing back and forth, up to heaven, down to Earth.
[00:01:42 –> 00:01:45] It is flowing all over the place. It is alive.
[00:01:45 –> 00:01:46] What I love about the incense
[00:01:46 –> 00:01:49] is that incense comes from trees
[00:01:49 –> 00:01:54] or plants that create resin, also known as tears.
[00:01:54 –> 00:01:56] The incense pebbles themselves,
[00:01:56 –> 00:02:00] very unimpressive, very closed off, very hard.
[00:02:00 –> 00:02:05] But when placed onto hot, burning, steady coals,
[00:02:05 –> 00:02:07] the incense literally becomes alive.
[00:02:07 –> 00:02:10] Literally becomes what it’s supposed to do.
[00:02:10 –> 00:02:12] This is literally what the sacred heart of Jesus does
[00:02:12 –> 00:02:15] when we let him ignite our hearts with love.
[00:02:15 –> 00:02:17] All the saints realize this.
[00:02:17 –> 00:02:20] All of the saints were living thuribles,
[00:02:20 –> 00:02:23] where they were able to be alive
[00:02:23 –> 00:02:25] in the fire of the Holy Spirit.
[00:02:25 –> 00:02:27] God is so good. Our faith is so good.
[00:02:27 –> 00:02:29] Catholic liturgy is so good
[00:02:29 –> 00:02:32] because again, it’s taking us out of ourselves.
[00:02:32 –> 00:02:36] It’s taking us out of our unimpressive hearts.
[00:02:36 –> 00:02:38] And then we get to be ignited by the living
[00:02:38 –> 00:02:40] and the true God,
[00:02:40 –> 00:02:43] the living and the true sacred heart of Jesus.
[00:02:43 –> 00:02:46] So next time that you see incense at mass,
[00:02:46 –> 00:02:49] that’s literally what your heart will look like
[00:02:49 –> 00:02:52] when you unite it with the sacred heart of Jesus.
[00:02:52 –> 00:02:54] Love you, praying for you.
[00:02:54 –> 00:02:55] This is Spirit Juice. Peace.
[00:02:55 –> 00:02:56] You know those questions
[00:02:56 –> 00:02:58] that are tricky questions
[00:02:58 –> 00:03:02] about the faith that really stir the pot.
[00:03:02 –> 00:03:03] I want those.
[00:03:03 –> 00:03:07] Send it to [email protected]
[00:03:07 –> 00:03:09] and you might be featured on the next episode.
[00:03:09 –> 00:03:12] Spirit Juice, God Answers. Peace.

Watch: Do We Just Forgive and Forget?

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Key Takeaways

  • Christians are commanded to forgive.
  • Personal forgiveness can begin even if the person who caused the harm has not apologized or changed.
  • Forgiveness does not mean denying the harm, excusing wrongdoing, abandoning justice, or immediately restoring trust.
  • Christian forgiveness involves renouncing hatred and personal vengeance, willing the offender’s ultimate good, and entrusting judgment to God.
  • Reconciliation requires mutual participation. Christians should desire the other person’s good and peace, but this does not require returning to an unsafe relationship or remaining available for renewed contact.
  • Trust is distinct from forgiveness. It should be based on prudence and may need to be rebuilt gradually.
  • Boundaries can be compatible with Christian charity and prudence. Depending on the circumstances, appropriate limits or distance may be necessary to protect yourself or others from serious harm.
  • A Christian can forgive another person while still pursuing appropriate justice, accountability, restitution, or protection.
  • Jesus is always trustworthy and continually offers forgiveness and reconciliation. We are called to turn toward Him, receive His mercy, and trust Him.

What This Means for Prayer and Daily Life

Forgiving someone who hurt you does not require pretending that the injury never happened.

Christian forgiveness means refusing to nurture hatred or pursue personal vengeance. It means asking God for the grace to desire the other person’s ultimate good and entrusting final judgment to Him.

That does not erase truth or justice. You may still need to name what happened, seek appropriate accountability, ask for restitution, protect yourself or others, or maintain significant distance from the person who caused the harm.

Reconciliation is another question. St. Paul writes in Romans 12, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That recognizes both the Christian call to peace and the reality that restored relationship may depend on another person’s willingness to repent, change, and participate honestly.

You can desire another person’s conversion and good without making yourself available for renewed contact. Where reconciliation is genuinely possible, truthful, mutual, and prudent, you may remain open to it. But in some situations, maintaining long-term or permanent distance may be the prudent and charitable choice.

Trust requires its own discernment. In 2 Timothy 4, Paul says that Alexander the coppersmith caused him great harm and warns Timothy to beware of him. Paul leaves judgment to the Lord while still exercising prudence and warning another person of potential danger.

That offers an important distinction: Christian charity does not eliminate discernment. Trust should be grounded in evidence of repentance, responsibility, and changed conduct. It may be rebuilt gradually, or it may never return to exactly the form it had before.

In cases involving abuse, threats, coercive control, or serious ongoing harm, seeking assistance from competent authorities and qualified professionals can also be part of acting justly and prudently.

In prayer, ask God not only for the grace to forgive, but also for wisdom about what reconciliation, contact, and trust should look like in your particular situation.

FAQ Section

Christians are called to forgive, desire the other person’s good, and seek peace insofar as it depends on them.

Full reconciliation, however, requires mutual participation and may depend on repentance, truth, changed behavior, and safety.

Desiring reconciliation does not mean you must remain available for renewed contact. In some circumstances, maintaining significant or permanent distance can be compatible with forgiveness and Christian charity.

No.

Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

Forgiveness concerns your response to the person who hurt you. Trust concerns whether that person has demonstrated that they can responsibly receive access to your life and vulnerability.

Trust may need to be rebuilt through repentance, responsibility, and changed behavior.

Yes.

Forgiveness does not require unrestricted access to your life.

Prudence may call for distance, limited contact, supervision, or other protections when continued interaction could expose you or others to further harm.

A single serious act can also justify significant boundaries. You do not have to wait for a harmful pattern to repeat before taking reasonable steps to protect yourself or others.

Forgiveness does not mean pretending that nothing happened or saying that wrongdoing no longer matters.

Christian forgiveness means renouncing hatred and personal vengeance, willing the offender’s ultimate good, and entrusting judgment to God.

That remains compatible with seeking truth, justice, accountability, restitution, and appropriate protection.

Personal forgiveness can begin with one person.

Reconciliation involves restoring peace or communion between people and therefore requires participation from both parties.

Even when reconciliation becomes possible, it does not necessarily mean returning to the exact relationship that existed before the harm occurred.

Fr. Tim points to Romans 12, where St. Paul says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

That wording recognizes that peace is something Christians should pursue, while also acknowledging that peaceful relationship may not always be possible.

In 2 Timothy 4, Paul also says that Alexander the coppersmith caused him great harm and warns Timothy to beware of him. Paul leaves judgment to God while still taking the harm seriously and exercising prudent caution.

Yes. Personal forgiveness can begin even if the offender has not apologized.

You can renounce hatred and vengeance and desire the person’s ultimate good without pretending that reconciliation has already taken place.

Full reconciliation, however, requires participation from both people and may depend upon repentance, responsibility, and changed behavior.

Christian forgiveness does not require remaining in a relationship that continually exposes you to serious harm.

Depending on the circumstances, prudence may call for distance, limited contact, or other boundaries.

In situations involving abuse, threats, coercion, or serious ongoing harm, seeking help from appropriate authorities or qualified professionals may also be necessary.

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